Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
