My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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