He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
