I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
