Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
