I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize