a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
