1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
