I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
