Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
