Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
