I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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