i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
