i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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