Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Randomize
