i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
