Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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