I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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