My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
