Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
