i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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