youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
