I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
