The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
