I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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