I'm going to jail i love you
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
