So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
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