so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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