Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
