i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
