He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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