Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
