I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
