Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
