I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
