I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
