The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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