All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
This baby is an asshole
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
