you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize