My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize