I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
