He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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