Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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