Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
