Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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