My sheets look like a crime scene.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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