i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
