i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Randomize