All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
