His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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