we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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