can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
