I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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