i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
