did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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