i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
