I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
