if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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