my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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