I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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