I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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