I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
