My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
