We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
