Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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